“Why are you still single?”
A loaded question. A familiar question. Let’s take a deep breath.
Over the years singles have collected a broad repertoire of answers to this classic. It ranges from A – “Absolutely everyone is crazy out there.” to Z – “Zombie apocalypse in the dating world.”
While most answers are served with dignity, humour and the last bit of hope, a friend brought up a perspective that hit differently.
We were sipping wine, discussing her Bachelor thesis on Tinder when she said something that hit hard. “People make it sound like it is your FAULT. It is your fault that you are single.”
So now please explain yourself.
Did you put in the effort?
Friends and loved ones usually mean well. But when they think they are paying their friends a compliment when they say: “Why are you still single, you are such a catch!?” what they are implying is: something must be wrong. Otherwise you would not be single.
While they praise your looks, your humor or your hobbies, there is a silent undertone. You are not doing it right.
What is the catch?
So it is not your character – but your standards. They are too high.
You are not on the right apps. Invest some money in quality platforms.
Don't hang out at the same bars all the time. Go to new places.
That person you dated sounds like a stalker? Give him another try, maybe he was just having a bad day.
He has kids and you don't want any? Well you can't be picky at your age.
They mean well and want to help, but they are missing the point.
Being single is not a problem to fix.
When singles go on the occasional rant about dating fatigue – let them. This is not a call for help. They are not asking for advice.
So unless someone says specifically: “Do you have five ideas to improve my dating life?”, some words of acknowledgement are enough. Understand that it is tough out there.
Plenty of fish in the sea
Yes there are plenty of fish in the sea. There are also sharks that attack surfers and whales that can swallow an entire boat.
Society has changed a lot and the way people meet as well. In the past ten years, dating apps suggested the only way to meet people is online. Everyone is online. Online dating has become the default and after the pandemic swiping became the only socially accepted way to meet.
It seems like it does not even occur to people anymore that singles exist – offline – in the real world.
It is nobody's fault
Dating is hard. The landscape has changed. There’s digital burnout, fear of commitment, social anxiety, differing paces of emotional maturity, gender dynamics, shifting expectations and more. Add societal pressure to "find someone already" and you get a recipe for frustration. No one can say we didn’t try. It’s just not as simple anymore.
We’re bringing offline back
The good news? There’s a shift happening. And not just in dating. People are craving real-life connection. They are swapping screen time for silent reading events to living room concerts and offline dating spaces. We’re slowly rebuilding the muscle to meet in real life. That matters. Because that’s where you are anyway. At the bookstore. At the gym. At the supermarket. And that's where other singles are too.
So here’s the only dating advice you should give a friend:
40 to 50 percent of the people you see every day are single. Look around.
And one day, maybe, SAY HI.
